Pocket Sized Pirate
by Kjb2609
Summary: If you wanted to impersonate a popular pirate, it would be a good idea to get said pirate out of the way. And where better to hide him than a ship in a bottle? A CS one shot written based on "Poor Unfortunate Souls" spoilers.


**A/N: Spoiler pics of a ship in a bottle had me thinking this would be an ideal location to hide a pirate you wanted to impersonate. **

_He had impressed himself with the simplicity of his master plan. The pirate was becoming an accepted part of this town, a friend to Belle even, so using him once again to achieve his ends seemed fitting. After all, he was returning him to his first love, his ship and removing him from the equation at the same time. Surely a win for all._

_That said ship was in a cursed bottle, hidden in plain sight was just an added bonus._

When the Dark One disappeared from Storybrooke, taking his dagger and the Queens' happy endings with him, he left at least one unfortunate consequence. Without him, undoing his magic was a far more complicated task.

Leaving Emma Swan with a tiny problem.

Literally...

Ursula had been quick to divulge the location of the bottle, angered and betrayed by Gold, and as Emma rushed to the Pawn Shop to meet Belle, she shook her head at the arrogance of the man. Once again he had taken Killian from her - used him as a pawn in the worst way. He had thought he could fool her again, distracted as she was, but that one word, its cadence all wrong, had been enough.

Extracting him from the bottle was a simple enough process. A flick of her wrist and he stood before them, apparently unharmed - just in miniature.

A pocket sized pirate.

Every part of Emma's being was fighting the twitching at the corner of her mouth. She knew that laughter at this moment would not be winning her any points with him, but there was something so comical about him, all angry and crumpled and tiny. Biting her lip hard she resisted as long as she could.

"So, he went with a LITERAL pawn this time?" she said to Belle with a cock of her head. Even in her distress, Belle smiled slightly. Killian, on the other hand, enlarged under the magnifier Belle kept on the counter, was far from smiling. He cursed and gesticulated wildly - unfortunately for him his shrunken stature had turned his usually smooth, accented speech into a series of high pitched squeaks that did nothing to improve the situation.

"Cool it, Stuart Little," she said to him, realising there was about to be a whole new world of pop culture references she was going to have to explain. He fixed her in one of his most withering looks - not quite as effective at it might have been at his full height - and she held out her palm so she could lift him to her ear in attempt to make out the squeaking.

"I'm sorry Killian, but I don't speak bug," she told him, a vivid memory of them in the Enchanted Forest flitting through her mind.

He looked less than impressed, but allowed her to carry him upwards. She listened intently, the nearness making the squeaks more clear.

"Do NOT bloody tell your parents!" he shouted (she assumed). "If bloody Dave hears about this..."

She decided not to mention she had called them on her way here. He'd find out soon enough. And, frankly, what was an inch tall pirate, no matter how much swash he could buckle, going to do about it?

Henry arrived first, ready to get to work with Belle on finding a way to undo this spell, but stopped short when he saw Killian sitting on the edge of a book, small but clearly irritated.

"Woah Mom, did I miss the giant Wonka Bar that came before Mike Teevee here?" Emma snorted, adding yet another to the growing list of things she would have to explain later. She hoped to hell that no dwarf walked in here because there was no way she would be able to stop the obvious Oompa Loompa jokes. Killian let out another stream of what she assumed were highly offensive curse words but sounded like a pack of small baby rodents.

"Keep it PG rated, Captain Tiny. No one needs to listen to your dirty mouth, even at its current glass breaking pitch." His face was so distraught, she felt guilty for making fun. Offering her palm again, she moved away from Belle and Henry, already searching the books, and spoke to him quietly.

"We will find the answer, Killian. As much as you would be far less trouble at this size, I miss the full sized version." He tried to reply, and she had a sudden flash of inspiration. Flicking her wrist again, his voice was amplified to a level where they could understand him more easily.

Though the squeak remained.

Henry lost any sense of composure when he heard it. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he laughed, struggling to take a breath.

Killian rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the support, lad," he squeaked, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," Henry gasped out, "But that is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Mom, you are dating Captain Chipmunk!"

With that he was done and returned to help with the research. As was Killian who proceeded to clamp his mouth shut, gestured for Emma to return him to the counter and sat with his back to all of them.

Captain Sulk, more like it.

When the bell over the door rang again, he refused to even look who had arrived. It didn't take long for him to work it out. "Where's my little mate?" boomed the voice he had been dreading. His amplified sigh expressed his response.

"Got a little problem, Hook?" David continued, "Gold looks to have had you on a short leash."

Emma looked at Mary Margaret.

"Did he read a thesaurus on the way here?"

Her mother raised her eyebrows, not denying the statement.

"He made me drive."

Emma suspected David could end up a pin cushion for a tiny hook - she smirked to herself at that - if he kept going.

She was sure he would.

Apparently urged on by Henry.

"Grandpa, you have to hear him speak. Killian, say something."

The pirate held up a highly disgruntled hand and Emma was fairly sure she saw it make a less than friendly finger gesture. She'd let that one slide, given the circumstances.

Not deterred by Killian's lack of compliance, David and Henry decided to make a game of it.

"Captain Short Stuff?"

"Captain Squeak?"

"Captain Mini Me?"

"Captain Diminutive! Big words for a tiny pirate."

Emma shook her head at them and sent an apologetic look in Killian's direction. He was weathering the storm of ridicule better than she had expected but they needed to find the solution fast.

She wasn't sure he would tolerate a trip home in her pocket – although there was a part of her that was biting back the urge to suggest it to him.

It was Henry suggesting that he could run home and collect the Lego Pirate Ship he had built that was the final straw. Killian's squeak filled the air, thanks to her magical amplification.

"You can all bloody well bugger off! If you're just here to ridicule me then…."

He was interrupted by Belle, waving a book in the air.

"I think I've got it – I should have realised earlier. The mushrooms. I need to find Will."

She was out the door with no further explanation.

It was a tiny piece of magic mushroom from Wonderland that was the answer.

But not before David had indeed felt the sting of a miniature hook – several times.

It was Captain Petite that did it, in the end.


End file.
